Lessons

This week someone told me that I can be a bit negative. I didn’t particularly like to hear that, but it did make me stop and think. And the more I thought, the more I realized that person was right.

It’s been nearly three years since I was in a hold up in a cartel town. I and the people I was with thought it was a cartel hit and that we would die that day. I fled back to the U.S. This week as I looked for military pictures for my work, I had a panic attack. The pictures of soldiers and guns did not bring good memories, and I realized I was still affected, still a bit scared.

It’s been one year, two months, three weeks and four days since I finished my last radiation treatment. This week as I sat waiting for my surgical oncologist to see me, I couldn’t breathe. I realized how angry I still was.

I think often of the fact that I was homeless and jobless, that I can’t find full-time employment now. And then I get angry.

People have told me to look at the bright side- I didn’t die in that hold up. I left Mexico safely even though I had to drive through some of the most dangerous areas. I got cancer, yes, but it was the easiest kind to cure. And when people have said this, I have gotten angrier, and asked them, Why did any of that have to happen to me in the first place? I quit believing that things would work out. I lost my faith in happy endings.

I have raged at the universe for a long time now, asking why. Sometimes, though, the answers aren’t clear. Sometimes you have to create your own so you can come to terms with what life throws at you.

Maybe I had to dance with death a bit to appreciate life.

Maybe I didn’t get that full-time job, so I could learn to slow down and get to know people around me.

Maybe those people were put in my path to teach me a bit more about myself, teach me that maybe I am likable, maybe even lovable. Maybe they will teach me how to trust.

Maybe that part-time job was put in my life so I could discover a career that I love and that I do well.

Maybe circumstances have conspired to teach me that things can work out. When I stop to think about it, things have worked out for me.

And maybe I have it all wrong about happy endings. Maybe it isn’t about endings at all. Life is a continuum. Sometimes it’s good; sometimes it’s bad, but mostly, it’s neutral. So maybe the key to contentment is to embrace the neutral.

Easier Navigation

There has been increasing interest in my cancer posts from several folks. To make navigation easier, I have subcategorized the archives of these posts in the order in which I originally posted them. They can be found under the categories to the right.

Walkers for Knockers

I was part of a team today walking in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5K fundraiser. More than 8000 people walked today, plus babies and some dogs (my dog Susie accompanied me).

We were the “Walkers for Knockers” team, with our team name in hot pink on black t-shirts. My shirt had a hot pink bar code on the back that said “Surviving Cancer…Priceless.” My co-workers bought it for me.

I think the red eyes give this picture a nice Halloween touch. I plan to grow some horns and a tail before the end of the month.

©2010 frayedges and http://www.frayedges.wordpress.com

Argh!

It’s just not right I tell you. *pout*

After my little hiking victory, I am anxious to try other activities. I swear I thought I’d never be able to do stuff again. Cancer treatments colored my world. Now, there’s going to be a two-day event to showcase outdoor activities, gear, clubs, and retailers in my city next weekend and I am working the booth for the hiking club. I have been excited about going because you can try the climbing wall, kayaking, canoeing, and other activities for free. I really wanted to try the climbing wall.

But alas, it is not to be! *dramatic hand placed on forehead as head leans back in despair*

My shoulder has been inflamed from tendonitis (stupid shoulder), and the doctor told me no climbing walls or kayaks until the inflammation goes down. To be more precise, he said, “If you climb the wall or kayak next week, you will have a very bad afternoon. The pain will be intense.” *grumble* I’d be mad at the doctor, except he’s really cute and nice.

So now I must wait until a later date to climb a wall, sigh. But do I really need to be practical? Maybe I’ll risk it 🙂 I guess I should ask myself if the climb will be worth a weekend of pain. I must decide. Do I flip a coin, take a poll? Ah life’s critical decisions can be so difficult. Woe is me, a sad puppy!

*close dramatically*

©2010 frayedges and http://www.frayedges.wordpress.com

Small Victory

Let me start this post by saying the following:

Yiiipeeeeee! Wooooohoooo!

*finish line dance*

Attention ladies and gentlemen, for the first time since my cancer treatments, I not only led my hiking group most of the way, I finished first! It’s a brisk-paced conditioning hike on a narrow, rocky, steep-in-places, rough-terrain trail of a little over 3 miles (5K).

Ok, now you probably need some background to understand the significance of this. Up until I got cancer I was always able to hike quickly over rough terrain and walk forever. Then, of course, surgery and radiation treatments weakened me. As a result of the surgery, I ended up with lymphedema (fluid build up), which swells up painfully when I exert myself to any degree. I was still trying to exercise all through my treatments until my doctor told me I needed to stop until after my radiation treatments were finished. So I did.

After I finished my treatments on April 19, I started exercising again, and shortly after joined the hiking group. I couldn’t keep up. I was in physical pain and very weak. I was unable to walk the 3 miles. So I walked the track in the gym instead, increasing my speed and distance slowly. I returned to the hiking group about 8 weeks or so ago. The first time back, I was able to walk the 3 miles, but much more slowly than the others. I almost didn’t make it. I was still weak, and the medicine I take to keep the cancer from returning left me nauseous most of the time. The lymphedema also swelled painfully. I hiked anyway. Every Tuesday I have hiked, and every week I have gotten stronger, and the lymphedema has gotten easier to manage. I have learned to ignore the nausea. And every week, I trail behind the others and get to the end of the trail last.

Today I was tired and nauseous, but I went hiking anyway. When I got there, something came over me, and I had a super amount of energy. I started off before the others, which I often do so that I don’t end up so behind, but this time I stayed ahead of them (about 10 people). I jogged portions of the trail, I ran up steps carved into the hills, and I stayed ahead, with only 2 people in front of me. The last part of the trail is straight uphill. As we neared the hill, I looked at the two people, assessed the trail, and took off running. I ran past the two people in front of me, straight up the hill to the trail head, and did a little jump to the cheers behind. I smiled in delight and have been smiling all evening.

Victory is sweet!